Are we having fun yet?! Because just when we thought we were out of the energetic woods, the planets and stars lined up to hand us just one more whallop. Welcome to Mercury Retrograde. Two down, and one more to go for this year. Here is what Merc Retro handed me last week. It had me digging deep and losing my cool by last night. But that's okay because EVERYTHING needed to happen.
On June 11th, 2014, exactly one month before her 96th birthday, my paternal grandmother was called Home. Her passing shook me harder than I imagined, but for reasons so much bigger than being death itself.
It would serve as no irony that as my mom was signing papers for the sale of our family home of 40 years, my grandmother lay on her deathbed and transitioned very shortly after the bulk of the paperwork was done. Four husbands and two sons have gone on before her and it was about time the good Lord came for her. So, as we all moved forward, grandma did too.
However, in that moment, I felt utterly left behind. My grandmother was being reunited with my dad, and I got jealous and homesick. Me? A Medium? Jealous and homesick? OF COURSE! I'm human first and foremost. And the woman through whose family came my ability was gone. The woman that let me know I wasn't the only one in the family to "see" things. Gone. And, worst of all? I did NOT go to see her while I was in Kamloops. So, enter the Medium with remorse and regret and now in need of heeding her own messages.
So I will console myself in words I speak so often to so many, because I know in my heart of hearts, I was not supposed to be there and things unfolded exactly as they should. My grandmother hasn't known who anyone is for a very, VERY long time. She had been lying bedridden more often than not the last five years and I was the one who took charge of visits after dad passed. The last three years watching her reduced to a shell hurt to watch. It came to a point where I couldn't bear to watch any longer. MY stuff. MY stuff.
It meant I stopped going and missed an opportunity for "one last moment" before her passing. The stuff that hurts us so much after people pass. The "shoulda's". Well. I am not going to "should" on myself for this one. My grandmother wouldn't want me to. In fact, I know exactly what she would say.
"I know you loved me. I know you came to see me. I know why you stopped. And it is ALL okay."
Our loved ones in Spirit do not want us to hang onto guilt forever. If they could, they would take it all away instantly. It is the stuff that hurts us the most. And that is something that none of Them wish for Us. They wish nothing but for us to move forward, putting a BandAid over the hole in our heart they leave, and begin to live for them, knowing they are watching over, guiding, and guarding us.
When death comes, we can keep ourselves in the shoulda's, or we can begin to see things as unfolding the way they were supposed to.
For each and every one of us to forgive ourselves for the things we think we "shoulda" or "coulda" done, leave the guilt behind, and embrace a future that unfolds with every single person that has returned Home watching over us. Exactly as it is meant to be.